twentyoneofseven

2011-12-29T01:14:00.000-05:00

SoulSpeakOut is a non-profit organization created to help sexual assault survivors share their stories. My contribution to this wonderful site. Don't ever be afraid or embarrassed to share your story.

twelve

10 things I miss about Cincinnati. . .

2011-11-05T00:07:00.006-04:00

10.) A basic knowledge on how to use a turn signal.

9.) Being able to afford both gas AND food.

8.) Meteorologist Steve Horstmeyer.

7.) Being able to tell the difference between a homosexual male, a metrosexual male, and a heterosexual male.

6.) Parking spots.

5.) Being able to make fun of celebrities without the possibility of actually running into them.

4.) Dairy Queen.

3.) The ability to go 5 miles on the highway in under a span of two hours.

2.) People being nice to you.

1.) Being able to go shopping in my pajamas without being judged for it.

Oh, and I guess my friends and family too.

405

2011-10-08T19:38:00.006-04:00

I'm quickly realizing there are major differences between Cincinnati and Los Angeles. First, and most obvious, the weather. While Cincinnati has four distinct seasons, Los Angeles has one.

Cincinnati in the winter.

Los Angeles in the winter.

My most favorite difference is traffic.

Traffic in Cincinnati, most times of the day.

Traffic in Los Angeles, every time of day.

I can't complain though. Sitting in traffic gives me so much more time. I can return my emails, finish penning my erotic romance novel, pluck my eyebrows, and re-read War & Peace all while driving the span of two feet.

Roomates: Episode Two

2011-09-28T02:30:00.000-04:00

Tuesday

Lautner Gate 2011

2011-09-24T18:56:00.000-04:00

Taylor Lautner is once again single.

Once you get back from NYC, game on Taylor.

New Column: Sexual Solitaire

2011-09-23T22:26:00.000-04:00

America the Vaguely Beautiful, Part 2

Roomates: Episode One

2011-09-12T02:19:00.003-04:00

My roommates and I have created our own web series chronicling our adventures of living together in Los Angeles. Click on the link below to watch.

ROOMATES: EPISODE ONE

Lautner Gate 2011

2011-09-11T22:39:00.006-04:00

Well, hello there. I know I haven't posted in a really long time, I've been busy watching every episode of Lost on Netflix.

Let me give a quick summary of my summer:

-Did my first stand-up gig.
-Went to New York, Rhode Island and Massachusetts for vacation.
-Celebrated my 26th birthday.
-Worked a lot.
-Wrote a lot.
-Moved across the country to Los Angeles.

Now that I am living in the same city as Taylor Lautner, I have begun what I call Lautner Gate 2011. Basically, it is my new goal in life to meet and hang out with Taylor Lautner. After the success of Clooney Watch 2011, I'm feeling pretty confident about this. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Much like the night I lost my virginity, I expect some pain and minimal bloodshed.

However, like my dad always told me, if you want something bad enough, it'll happen.

Game on, Lautner.

Promo Plug

2011-09-01T16:45:00.001-04:00

I've been featured in the September issue of Stay Thirsty magazine. Clink on the link to check it out!

Sexual Solitaire

2011-08-23T09:34:00.001-04:00

Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?

Twentyoneofseven

2011-07-20T23:31:00.000-04:00

In 30 minutes, I will be 26 years old. Crazy to think I started this blog when I was 19. Seems like so long ago.

God, I'm old.

YouTube, I Tube. . .

2011-07-11T16:25:00.000-04:00

Stereotypical Starbucks Customer

New York, New York

2011-07-06T14:15:00.002-04:00

I went to New York City and all I got was inner-thigh chaffage from all of the walking.

Ashley Does Stand-Up

2011-06-30T10:15:00.000-04:00

Click here to see my first attempt at doing stand-up.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-06-24T19:29:00.000-04:00

A Ballad to Beer

Up to speed. . .

2011-06-21T17:31:00.010-04:00

I know I've been a little lax in my updating lately, so to make up for it, I'll will give you a summary on what I've been up to the past few months.

First off, I've been doing extensive research on a variety of topics to further my knowledge on world issues.

I've also been trying to find my Taylor Lautner a cardboard cut-out a friend so he doesn't get so lonely when I'm not home.

Oh, and I've been dating this asshole for the past 5 months.

My best friend Matt moved to Los Angeles over a month ago, so I've been trying to deal with that. I think I dealt with his leaving in a very mature, very grown-up way.

I've also been practically living at Starbucks, working. One guess as to which of these two lockers is mine:

Somewhere in there, I completed an Olympic Triathlon with my friend Joe. At least, I'm pretty sure I did. Somewhere around mile 16 of the bike ride, I became delusional.

And finally, this past weekend, my friend Matt came home for a visit and a few of us went out and got drunk, naturally.

I promise to update more frequently, for all two of you reading this.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-06-15T20:24:00.001-04:00

How to Get Laid

2011-06-03T20:32:00.000-04:00

Triathlon on Sunday. Better start hydrating.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-06-02T08:44:00.001-04:00

Ashley's Celebrity "To-Do" List

Sexual Solitaire

2011-05-23T20:13:00.001-04:00

Ashley Goes to the Urologist

Sexual Solitaire

2011-05-14T00:06:00.000-04:00

Long Distance Relationship Sex

Well played, Kroger.

2011-05-13T21:03:00.001-04:00

This is the receipt I was given after purchasing two items: oatmeal and a Kit Kat bar.

Happy birthday, Clooney!

2011-05-05T23:56:00.002-04:00

Although your birthday isn't officially until tomorrow on the 6th, I decided to start celebrating early. After all, you only turn 50 once.

I'll really take any reason to drink a beer on a weeknight, thanks for the excuse George!

Happy birthday!

From Ashley "Garmsy" Garmany and Kara "Skippy" Hendy

Text of the day. . .

2011-05-05T23:32:00.002-04:00

"TMI but I just had a mini orgasm from peeing after holding it for a super long time."

Sexual Solitaire

2011-05-04T15:40:00.001-04:00

The First Date Curse

Double rainbow, all the way!

2011-04-28T18:18:00.001-04:00

Sexual Solitiare

2011-04-20T21:21:00.001-04:00

Adventures in Airline Travel

Thank you for being a friend. . .

2011-04-18T20:54:00.010-04:00

So over the weekend, my friends came out to dinner with me to celebrate my dad's life:

I just wanted to thank you all for being amazing friends. You have always been there for me and have never disappointed me. You're great people.

Except these two assholes.

Get a room.

Kara and Alex are awesome. Oh, wait, Alex wasn't there to be in this picture. I almost forgot the bitter sting that you not being there caused in my heart.

I barely drank anything, as is clear from this picture.

Lauren and I continued our bitter feud between our love of Bud Light and Miller Lite, respectively.

Side note: Lauren's blonde now!

Thanks friends, for the buzz and the company.

Dear Dad,

2011-04-15T17:57:00.003-04:00

A year ago today, you left this world, leaving behind three kids, a wife and dozens upon dozens of people who loved you. Growing up, I never really knew you. We weren't particularly close and you were quite intimidating to me. Nevertheless, you were still the only one who showed up to all of my basketball and softball games, sitting by yourself in the stands. If I could count on anything, it was you being there watching me play. We didn't really talk or connect at all. I saw you on weekends, when you would pick me up from Mom's house, however we rarely spent any of those weekend days together. I was usually playing with the neighbor kids.

When Mom died, you suddenly became a single father to two teenaged girls. You went from seeing me from about one day a week, to 24/7. I despised you for years, thinking you thought of me as a burden thrust upon you by Mom's death. I thought you never really wanted me to begin with and now, suddenly, you were stuck with me. These were the thoughts of a very depressed, lonely 14 year old girl, however.

Several years passed, and we slowly began to connect with each other, realizing we were both more alike than we were willing to admit. I know I gave you a very hard time as I progressed through my teen years, running away, skipping school, dropping out, moving from place to place. I realize now that I was just trying to get the attention I never felt I got from you.

It was not until I hit my 20s that I truly felt like you were my dad. You admitted to me once that you didn't think you were ready to be a father until the last few years of your life. You met and married someone who allowed you to be who you truly were: a caring, wonderful man who would do anything for his family.

You cooked, packed and brought me food for the week every Sunday night at work, just so you knew I was eating well while I was at school. You made me an Easter basket, despite the fact that I was 24 years old. You bought me a giant stuffed dog on Valentine's Day and insisted I use it to "fill that cold empty spot" in my bed. You had one hell of a sense of humor, by the way. You made everyone around you laugh, even when they were trying not to. You jumped on the bed every Christmas morning at 6 a.m. to wake me up, singing Silver Bells, even though I wanted to sleep in.

You were so amazing and incredible to me, you cared so much about your children--acting as both mother and father. You called me every few days just to make sure I was still alive, haha. You bought me running shoes, without me asking, because you said running to me was like breathing. You stood at mile 4 and again at mile 25 when I ran my marathons.

You took every opportunity to embarrass me, and I loved every minute of it (though I always denied it).

In October of 2009, I was standing at a Starbucks putting sugar in my coffee when you called me on the phone to tell me about the cancer. You said you had six months and you were right, it was literally six months to the day when you died. I watched you lose all your weight, I watched you cry, I watched you be strong, I watched you laugh in spite of it all. I watched you hold your granddaughter right after she was born, I watched you smile when there was nothing to smile about.

I lied on your bed with you on Christmas night, crying over something in my own life and you just sat there, telling me it was going to be okay. When you had cancer and were dying and I was so stupid, to think my problem was worth crying about. You never once were a victim of your illness. You were strong when you told me you had cancer. You were strong when you told me the chemotherapy didn't work. You were strong when you told me you were ready to die.

All those nights we spent in the hospital, all those days I watched you suffering, I never actually thought you were going to die. Even in the last week, when you could no longer speak or move or even open your eyes, I still wouldn't accept the fact that your life would soon be over. I was certain you would miraculously get better.

I sat next to your bed a few days before you died, talking to the hospice worker and she said something to me that completely changed the person I am. She said how incredible it was to see so many people around, so many family members and friends coming to visit you. She said usually she was the only one in the room when the person died. How sad would that be, Dad? To spend your whole life connecting with people, experiencing things only to die all alone?

In the end, it doesn't matter how much money you have or the clothes you wear or what kind of car you drive. . .those don't buy love. There were so many people around you because you were an amazing human being and touched all of their lives in one way or another. That is what I want when I die and suddenly I realized my way of thinking about the important things in life changed. Because of the kind of man you were. You didn't have a lot of money, but you had your time, which you generously gave to your friends and family.

I cried, as I held your hand when you took your final breath. I cried when I gave a eulogy at your funeral. I cried at Christmas, when you weren't there to jump on the bed to wake me up. But today I'm not crying. I'm smiling, because I know that's what you would've wanted.

Oh, and also I'm going to have a beer, because I know that's also what you would've wanted.

I love you Daddy.

Meglet

Shamless Plug

2011-04-14T04:30:00.000-04:00

LAST DAY TO VOTE!!! SO GO VOTE!!!

So my local radio station, Kiss 107, is holding auditions for a morning co-host position and naturally, I must have that spot. So do me a solid and vote for me so I can get an on-air audition!

VOTE HERE

If you've already voted, you can vote once a day, so go vote again!

Quote/Unquote

2011-04-12T23:07:00.001-04:00

He's right up there with Plato, Whitman and Frost.

The Hangover

2011-04-11T21:27:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I live tweeted throughout my shift at work. I'd now like to share with you the pictures that accompany those tweets:

AshleyGarmany: Hour 1 of my 13 hour shift: Got my oatmeal and my coffee. No hangover in sight. Or maybe I'm just still drunk.

AshleyGarmany: Hour 3: Hangover has officially kicked in. Naturally, entire computer system crashes at same time. Coincidence? I think not.

AshleyGarmany: Hour 6: Drive-thru line has not stopped since 10am. Considering throwing myself in front of incoming cars just for the break it'd provide.

AshleyGarmany: Hour 9: I took it upon myself to Sharpie out frappuccinos on the menu. I think corporate would be okay with that.

AshleyGarmany: Hour 12.5: I can taste the freedom. And the freedom tastes like a slider from the White Castle down the street.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-04-08T23:06:00.001-04:00

Man Up, Ladies

Ashley Does New York Part Deux

2011-04-04T21:31:00.001-04:00

Ashley Does New York Part Deux: Lost in New York

POM

2011-04-04T21:29:00.000-04:00

My Partner of the Month Acceptance Video

Sexual Solitaire

2011-04-01T17:44:00.000-04:00

Why I'm Never Having Kids

Clooney Watch: Random Update

2011-03-28T23:25:00.004-04:00

An unexpected surprise, George came through my Starbucks again tonight. I thought about saying thank you for the note and autographed picture but I'm still completely convinced my friends are playing an elaborate joke on me in which they had someone from California mail me the card and photo. I was afraid I'd say something and he'd be like, Bitch, you crazy. And he wouldn't know what the hell I was talking about and I'd look like some sort of crazy person.

So instead, I just went about as though he was any other customer because I didn't want to bother him at all. If that really was you, though, Georgey Boy, who sent that stuff, thank you. I truly appreciated it and it was completely awesome of you to go through the trouble.

And if it was my friends who did it (as I suspect), well played!

Oh, and p.s. Clooney, I am so jealous that you got to work with Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls. She's my comedic icon. I hope she was as awesome in person as she seemed.

AshleyTube

2011-03-27T20:19:00.001-04:00

Check out my new video:

Ashley Makes A PSA

Three beers in. . .

2011-03-26T22:23:00.000-04:00

Little preview of my Saturday night.

Lesson learned.

2011-03-23T14:15:00.002-04:00

This is what I came back to after I left my car parked at work to go hang out with someone.

I should've known better when I did the same thing a few weeks ago and there was a giant cardboard penis on my windshield. Unfortunately, I do not have a picture of that.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-03-22T10:21:00.000-04:00

The Real World: Poorville

Ashley & George Go to a Bar. . .

2011-03-21T18:52:00.008-04:00

I don't really know for sure if the thank you note and autographed picture I received in the mail at work the other day is actually from George Clooney (I still have my suspicions that my friends are playing a hilarious, awesome prank on me), but either way, I decided my autographed George Clooney picture is my new boyfriend. Sorry, Taylor Lautner life-size cardboard cut-out, it was fun while it lasted. I still remember the day I got you:

In hindsight, Lauren and I might've had a little too fun. But you were 18 at the time, so it was all legal.

And who could forget this year's Christmas card:

And that time we got bundled up and went sled riding:

You're a lot of fun, Taylor. But you're not exactly mobile. It's hard to take you places without you being recognized and then being mobbed by hoards of screaming teenage girls. We'll always have December.

So this past weekend, I took George out with me to the bar to meet my friends and grab a drink. No big deal. George is a pretty laid back fellow:

I think this weekend George and I are going to go to the zoo, maybe grab a little dinner afterwards.

Phase 3: Partner of the Month

2011-03-15T21:32:00.001-04:00

Click on the link below to see the second of my campaign videos:

Partner of the Month Campaign Video

Phase 2: Partner of the Month

2011-03-13T20:42:00.001-04:00

I have made my first in a series of campaign videos. Click on the link below to check it out:

Starbucks Partner of the Month

Sexual Solitaire

2011-03-13T13:53:00.001-04:00

Lifetime Movie Titles: The Ashley Garmany Interpretation

Text of the day. . .

2011-03-10T20:08:00.001-05:00

"Garmsy, I'm going commando to Bible study. Think it might be time to do laundry."

A worthy opponent, indeed.

2011-03-08T22:55:00.005-05:00

It appears as though I may have some competition for Starbucks Partner of the Month.

This is my original poster:

Saturday came and with it, another candidate:

Clearly, I needed to up my game.

Your move, Holt.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-03-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

Bachelors in Bullshitting

POM NOM

2011-03-03T11:18:00.006-05:00

So every month at my Starbucks, we have something called a Partner of the Month. Basically, everyone in the store fills out a form on who they think should be PoM and why. This has been going on for almost a year now. I'm pretty sure everyone in the store has won. . .except for me. Not that I'm bitter or anything, but this month I've decided to take matters into my own hands. After coming in as runner-up for the month of February, I realized it was time. Time to start my campaign as a Partner of the Month Nominee (or, as I call it, POM NOM nom nom).

If you're not in first, you're last.

I've begun Phase 1 of my campaign: announcing my presence through a variety of highly professional campaign posters. Take a look:

Stay tuned for Phase 2.

Clooney Watch: 2011, Week 4

2011-02-27T22:26:00.002-05:00

Update: George came through my Starbucks again today, but I didn't want to annoy him while he was just trying to get a cup of coffee. So I acted like I didn't realize it was him and went about as though he was a normal customer.

As much as a picture would be awesome to have, I can't imagine how miserable it must be to get approached everywhere you go when you are just trying to go about your business. So Clooney, it was a pleasure just to "meet" someone who is doing SUCH incredible work in the world. I love that you are using your fame for actual good rather than meaningless celebrity.

It seems as though history always has a way of repeating itself and I think it's awesome that you are using the very same technology that you are forced to deal with everyday (paparazzi, constant surveillance, etc.) to prevent further genocide and crimes against humanity in the world. Plus anyone that survives malaria twice and keeps going back over to Sudan to keep working to make a difference is pretty badass in my book.

Keep doing what you're doing, Clooney.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-02-24T20:35:00.000-05:00

Ashley Goes to the Gynecologist

I think my work speaks for itself.

2011-02-24T12:43:00.001-05:00

This is probably the first and last time my boss asks me to put together a display table. . .

2011-02-20T14:18:00.001-05:00

My dream wedding. . .

2011-02-18T15:09:00.004-05:00

So I'm at my office job today and rather than doing actual work, I'm reading articles on CNN.com. I happened upon this gem: Why Men Pop the Question.

It got me to thinking about my own wedding.

First off, I don't think I'm ever going to get married. Mostly because I've yet to meet a man that can put up with my shit long enough to get down on bended knee. If I were, however, I have the distinct feeling that I will be the one proposing.

I've also never gotten the hoopla surrounding weddings. Why do women feel the need to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a dress that they're only going to wear once? It's not like you can wear it out to another formal occasion. And also, it's not like you're going to wear it to your next wedding (lets be honest here, most of us will end up getting divorced at least once in our lives). And the flowers? Holy shit, flowers are expensive! I had no idea how much until I was helping my sister plan her wedding. These are flowers that you're only going to have the one day and then they will inevitably die days later (after they've already been thrown in the trash).

Churches and reception halls? Who knew just renting one of those bitches could cost upwards of $10,000 (including the meal for each person). I'm sorry, don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family but I'm not spending $10,000 so you can have some chicken dinner and a salad. We can go to the Olive Garden and all just get unlimited salad and breadsticks and if you are really hungry, you can buy your own dish of all-you-eat pasta.

There are only two items at my wedding that I will splurge on: the first being, the cake. I mean, come on, I always look forward to a good cake. I practically masturbate to Cake Boss. Dessert is not something to skimp on, but at the same time, some wedding cakes are just plain ridiculous. Who needs all those tiers and ribbons and fondant? It doesn't matter what it looks like, as long as it tastes like a party in my mouth. I imagine my cake is going to look a little something like this:

Mmmmm, ice cream cake. Nom nom nom. Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah, the other thing I would splurge on would be the booze. Because who doesn't like to wash down their cake with a nice 40 of Miller Lite? Not this girl, that's for sure.

Since I can't walk into a church without immediately catching fire, I figure I'll probably have my wedding on a beach or outside somewhere. I also plan on walking down the aisle to something non-traditional. Like maybe Ray LaMontagne's Let It Be Me. Or Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter. Or Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up.

My maid-of-honor will actually be two people, Lance and Lauren. Lance can wear a dress if he wants, I don't really care, but again, don't expect me to pay for it.

Our first dance as husband and wife (I'll be keeping my last name, btw), will be to Ziggy Marley's A Lifetime and there will be no, I repeat, NO version of the song Shout played.

Also, I know it's not polite etiquette for the bride to get smashed, but I will be. And then my husband and I will cut out early so we can go have hot, post-wedding drunk sex.

Clooney Watch : 2011, Week 3

2011-02-17T18:15:00.002-05:00

Update: No further Clooney sitings, thus far. However, one of my friends is an extra in the movie and got to spend all day with him on a bus, filming.

It's cool that you haven't come back to visit me at work.

Why are you trying to fight it, Clooney? Just let it happen.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-02-12T06:20:00.000-05:00

New column:

Dear Diary: Here's What I Did On Valentine's Day

Clooney Watch: 2011, Week 2

2011-02-10T23:20:00.002-05:00

Update: Clooney came through my Starbucks today. Unfortunately, I do not have the photographic evidence I was hoping for.

Clooney, come back Monday night. This time, though, come inside. Listen, I won't make a big deal of it if you don't. We'll just take a quick picture and then we'll discuss my idea for a screenplay that I think will be comedic gold.

Dear Customer,

2011-02-09T21:51:00.003-05:00

Let me start by just saying that I am not an idiot. Yes, I do work in retail and in a customer service position, but that does not make me incompetent, as you seem to think. I do actually have a college degree and I CHOOSE to work here because I actually love my job, despite these complaints.

Now let me address some of MY grievances, since I am subjected to yours everyday, all day.

1.) I realize that you might be in a hurry to get to your job, but you should probably realize that I am at MY job. YOUR job is no more important than mine unless you are saving AIDs patients in Africa or helping to find a cure for cancer.

You are the one who made the choice to come into MY place of employment to get yourself some coffee before work. If you're running late, it's your own fault. You should've given yourself ample time to come here and still make it to work on time.

Also remember that if I didn't come to MY job, you wouldn't be getting your coffee in the first place. Sorry I'm inconveniencing you by trying to do my job.

2.) Contrary to what you might think, I do not actually have a say in the prices. See, I am just one lone employee in a corporation of millions. If I did have a say in the prices, I probably wouldn't be working at a retail location. Nor would I be forced to listen to you bitch about how expensive your latte is.

Again, you are the one who chose to come to Starbucks which caters to people with a certain amount of income. If you want to pay $1 for a cup of coffee, there's three gas stations down the street and a McDonalds next door.

3.) The parking lot sucks? Really? You are the first person in the history of this Starbucks to tell me that. Well since I single-handedly built the parking lot as well as the building itself, let me run home real quick, grab my Bobcat and see how I can make it better for you.

4.) A few things to remember when going through any drive-thru:

A.) After we get done taking your order and you're still sitting by the speaker, we can still hear everything you say.

B.) There's also a camera there. Meaning, we can see you when you're ordering and sitting there too. Keep this in mind when you're picking your nose or decide to sing along to your radio.

C.) Do not order from the passenger seat. Do not order with your window rolled half-way up. Do not order while looking away from the speaker. When I say that I couldn't hear you, this doesn't mean talk louder and slower, as though I am a moron. It means stop talking to your steering wheel and talk to the microphone that has been designed to pick up your voice so I can hear you.

D.) When you come through the drive-thru and you are waiting in line forever, 9 times out of 10 it is because one of the cars in front of you not us. People like to bitch about how slow the line is moving (usually when they're still at the speaker and think we can't hear them), and then get to the window and decide they want to add on something to their order. Or buy a pound of coffee and have us grind it. Or ask as many annoying questions as possible.

5.) Think about questions before you ask them. For example, when I hand you a hot cup and the liquid inside of it is clearly hot, do not ask, "Is this iced?" No, no it is not iced. "I wanted it iced." I'm sorry, did you ask for it iced. "No, I must've forgot. But I meant iced." My bad, my mind-reading capabilities must be off today.

Or, another example: I have a Grande Mocha at the bar. "Is this mine?" I don't know, did you order a Grande Mocha? "No, I ordered a Venti Vanilla Latte." Then no, that is not your drink.

A few more of my personal favorite questions:

"Can you tell me what kind of cheese is on a Bacon Gouda sandwich?"

"What's the difference between a Vanilla Bean Frapuccino and a Strawberries & Creme Frapuccino?"

6.) Now I know this is going to come as a shock to a lot of people, but you are not the only customer I have to take care of. In fact, taking care of customers is just one part of my job. When you interrupt me as I am carrying six jugs of milk to tell me you need a honey packet, did you really think that was the best idea? Or when I am in the middle of taking another customer's order and you interrupt to tell me you just need a cup of water. You are no more important than that customer. Wait your turn. Just because you don't have to pay for the cup of water doesn't mean you get a free pass to cut in line.

7.) This is also going to come as a shock: but I am an actual human being. I have real feeings and emotions. So when you are talking on your cell phone in between shouting your order at me and then throwing your credit card at me, I am offended. Sorry to inconvenience you by attempting to take your order. Put your damn phone down for thirty seconds.

How would you feel if you were me, trying to talk to someone and they communicated to you by pointing at the pastry case, like you know what the hell they're asking for?

Again, you are the one who chose to come into the store and/or drive-thru. I can only assume this isn't your first time doing so. You should know that when you get up to the little speaker, someone is going to ask what you want. This means, don't be talking on your cell phone when you pull up and then tell ME to hold on so you can finish your phone call. (And you wonder why the line is moving so slow?) Treat me like a human being rather than some servant or machine that is solely designed to provide for you.

8.) LOOK AT ME. Make eye contact. SAY SOMETHING. I'm a person. Don't silently hand me your credit card and then not say one word throughout the entire transaction. Do you realize how shitty that makes a person feel? Like they aren't worth your words?

9.) Not getting whipped cream on your frappuccino is not the end of the world. If you politely ask us, we will put some on for you. We have no problem doing this. Keep in mind that we are dealing with hundreds of customers a day and sometimes things get mixed up--that's called life. Do not freak out about not getting whipped cream, yell at the employee and then later call and yell at the supervisor. It's just coffee, people. Really. At the end of the day, it's just coffee.

If not getting whipped cream on your frappuccino is the biggest problem in your day, then I say you have a pretty good life going on.

10.) Most mistakes are unintentional. It's not like I purposely screwed up your drink. Do you think I really wanted to get yelled at by you and then have to remake your beverage? No. Either something was lost in communication or you didn't specify well enough (which you will NEVER admit to) or I've been working for 8 hours now, since 5 a.m., making drinks for all of those 8 hours and I got a little confused. EXCUSE ME.

Anyone who has ever worked in a customer service position can relate to this. Until you do work in a job like this, you will never understand the how ugly people can really be. Just be thankful that you can even come to a place like Starbucks. That you live in a country that HAS Starbucks'. Just be grateful, people. Seriously. Life is NOT that bad. If you think you're having a bad day, then it's completely possible that the barista who you're bitching at for your latte having too much foam on it is having just as bad a day.

Someone actually left this in our tip jar.

2011-02-07T21:38:00.000-05:00

It's generic brand Spam.

Thanks, asshole.

Post Secret

2011-02-06T15:39:00.004-05:00

I don't know how many of you read the website, Post Secret. If you don't, basically what it is, is a collection of secrets. Every week, Frank (the creator of Post Secret) posts postcards that have been mailed to him with people's secrets on them. He gets thousands and thousands of them everyday. Some happy, some sad, some thought-provoking. It's one of my favorite websites to visit because some of the secrets are so raw. Anyway, I saw this one on there today:

People also will email/tweet him comments on the postcards. These are the comments that followed that postcard:

-----Email-----
Dear Frank,
my secret is that i still send pictures of my good grades and photography to my dads cell phone. He died October 23rd 2010.

-----Email-----
Its been almost 6 months since my husband died. He is still on my phone, my AIM and I secretly keep hoping he'll message me.

-----Tweet-----
My Grandfather's sick (but cute) voice is still on my Grandmother's voicemail. He was a proud marine. I call if she's gone, smile/cry.

I still have two voicemails on my phone from my dad that I can't bring myself to delete. The first is from my 24th birthday. It's him singing 'Happy Birthday' to me, which he use to do every year, at the crack of dawn.

The second I can never bring myself to listen to. It's from about December 2009, about six weeks after we got the cancer diagnosis. It's my dad saying that him and my stepmom went up to the Cleveland Clinic and that they were really optimistic about his treatment and him saying, "We're going to beat this, Ash."

I can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone, either. I still call his voicemail to hear his message.

It's weird, I can look at pictures and talk about him without getting emotional but the second I hear his voice I lose it.

Clooney Watch: 2011, Week 1

2011-02-03T12:05:00.001-05:00

Spotted: George Clooney eating dinner at Trio's, a restaurant that is approximately .25 miles from the Starbucks where I work.

And so the dance begins, Clooney.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-02-02T09:01:00.000-05:00

The Five Levels of Female Underwear Emergency

Clooney Watch: 2011

2011-02-01T09:28:00.002-05:00

So the city of Cincinnati has been in a tizzy these past few months because George Clooney is filming a movie here starting this month. The Ides of March, which also stars Philip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti and, more importantly, Ryan "Get in My Pants" Gosling, will be the first movie filmed here since the film Traffic, with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. At least, I think that was the last movie filmed here, my research basically consisted of me google searching "movies filmed in Cincinnati". I think the most culturally significant movie ever shot here was Milk Money, with Ed Harris and Melanie Griffith. Arguably, one of the best movies of the 1990s.

Anyway, since nothing exciting ever happens here (see: Cincinnati Reds; also see: Cincinnati Bengals; also see: Cincinnati in general), people are pretty excited about this. Clooney's dad, Nick, actually lives in the area and is really into the news/media scene. The only other famous people we get here are Nick Lachey (he has a house here and visits often, also he does Cincinnati Bell commercials) and occasionally, Natalie Portman (her grandmother lives here).

So in jumping on the bandwagon, I'm starting my own Clooney Watch: 2011, which basically will consist of me stalking George Clooney. And by "stalking" I mean, not really doing anything and maybe on the off-chance I'll run into him somewhere (I'm too lazy to actually stalk someone. . .else. I'm mean, most of my time is spent writing love letters to Taylor Lautner, so that leaves me little free time for much else). I'll be updating my quest to meet George Clooney as filming continues on through March, so stay tuned.

Good morning, boobs!

2011-01-31T19:49:00.007-05:00

So after I went off my training diet a few months ago, I gained a little weight. Only, when I gain weight, it goes straight to my breasts.

My friend Lance told me this weekend that he has been putting together a chart over these past months on the growth of my boobs. Take a gander:

Boobs: August, 2010

Boobs: January, 2011

If they get any bigger, I'm going to start selling real estate space on them.

Little preview of my weekend. . .

2011-01-30T14:32:00.001-05:00

More to come. . .(that's what she said)

NYC & 6 years. . .

2011-01-28T20:52:00.019-05:00

I've been a little lax lately in my updating. I went to New York City to visit a friend a couple weeks ago and have been playing catch up at work ever since. My friend Megan, whom you might remember from years 2005-2006 of my blog, lived next to me my sophomore year at Ohio University. We were pretty much inseparable. I owe her a lot, not only because she's an amazing friend, but because she's the one who introduced me to the show Alias. Michael Vartan, cream! Anyway, Megan moved to NYC about four years ago and we kind of grew apart in that time. Recently, however, we reconnected and since I am planning on moving to NYC in the fall anyway, I decided to pop up there for a visit.

It was like those four years never happened.

New York City was amazing. I'd never been there before, so naturally I dragged her to all of the places I wanted to see:

Arc de Triomphe

Ground Zero

Central Park

A bar

I fell in love with the city and had a blast. It was so wonderful getting to know Megan all over again, I'm so sad that we were out of touch all those years.

Last week was also my Blog's 6th Birthday Party:

A bunch of my friends came out to celebrate. It was everything my blog could've wanted and more.

Some of them bought my blog a beer and by the end of the night, my blog was wasted. Literally, falling out of the cab.

While my blog was puking in the bathroom, Lauren and I discussed foreign policy.

All of my Starbucks ladies came out to make sure the night had at least a touch of class.

I apparently didn't get the memo.

See ya at the 10 year!

Sexual Solitaire

2011-01-26T23:45:00.000-05:00

Pain is Beauty: The Tribulations of Being a Women

Ashley Does New York City. . .

2011-01-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

. . .but not literally.

Don't forget!

2011-01-19T11:56:00.000-05:00

January 15th marks the 6th year anniversary of my blog and to celebrate, I'm inviting everyone who has encouraged my writing career, gotten drunk with me and/or been mentioned in my blog at some point to come throw one back with me. I'm also inviting anyone who reads this, whoever you are!

My blog has been with me all throughout college and now, we're experiencing my adult years together. Without it, I never would've started my column or my book. I also wouldn't be a total embarrassment to my family.

Although my blog is only turning 6, I have purchased it a fake ID, so feel free to come buy it lots of shots and beer

When: Friday, January 21, 2011; 8p.m. - ??
Where: Hofbrauhaus
200 East 3rd Street
Newport, KY 41071
(859) 491-7200

You'll know me as I'll be the girl dancing onstage with the band to polka music. Or I'll be the girl being escorted by security off the stage after dancing with the band to polka music.

Sexual Solitaire

2011-01-17T20:46:00.000-05:00

How to Spot a Fake Orgasm

Chapter Six

2011-01-11T00:17:00.003-05:00

The other day I was on facebook and a picture popped up in my mini-feed of a friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in years. We both went to Ohio University together and I practically lived in her dorm room my freshman year (half-because I didn't want to have forced conversation with some of the girls I lived with and half-because we lived on complete opposite sides of campus, so it was just easier to sleep there rather than walk all the way back to my room). I've known her since I was 16 years old and we worked together at Kings Island, a local amusement park.

We didn't really get close until college though, and basically for a year and a half we were inseparable. She is about two years older than me, so we didn't get to spend her 21st birthday together but I did get to clean up her puke and buy her ginger ale the next day.

Anyway, I saw one of her pictures pop up and I got really sad. I started thinking about the people in our lives, both past and present. There are people who I thought would be in my life forever and then there are people who I gave no passing thought to and now they are people I would consider my family. Isn't it weird that there are people who you were, at one point, extremely close to and you couldn't imagine them not being in your life and now the only way you know anything about them is through facebook?

I think facebook can sort of be a form of masochism too. I mean, we are friends with former friends, exes, rivals. . .and we can't help ourselves but look at their profiles and their pictures. We all do it, even if we won't admit it. Sometimes I don't know what's harder: not knowing what is going on with someone, or being able to see everything through their facebook.

It breaks my heart sometimes when I see old friends getting married, having kids, etc. It's like, at what point in our friendship did we lose touch and now you find out this huge life event because of a website?

It also breaks my heart to know that that person is no longer in your life, when at one point they were so much a part of it. I mean, I realize some people are sort of a "chapter" in the book of your life and some people are recurring characters, that make appearances more often than not. It makes me wonder, who in my life now won't be here tomorrow? Five years from now?

There are also people who disappoint you. Lauren and I have talked in depth about this before, the people in your life who continually disappoint you. It's not necessarily something they are doing on purpose, but a consequence to how much you let that person affect you. For my closest friends, I have certain expectations of them and I've been told that sometimes, my expectations are too high. I've learned that the people who say this aren't worth being your friend. . .mostly because, I don't expect anything from a person that I wouldn't give them in return.

That being said, I usually can't help getting hurt. Sometimes I expect things from people when I know better than to, and I still feel pain. I was really angry when my father passed away last April and I heard from certain people and not from others. I got calls, texts, emails from people I hadn't heard from in years who were acknowledging my loss and then there were people I had spoken to the day before he died who never said anything to me. It hurt. A lot. And I was angry for my dad, at the people who came by right at the end, to say goodbye. It's like, where were you for the 6 months he was wasting away? I heard a lot of people say they wish they had come sooner, but why didn't they?

Even realizing all of this, I still allow myself to get hurt by people. Someone told me once, I give people too many chances and when they do upset me, I make excuses for them. I think that's just human nature, we let the people who we love the most hurt us the most. Sometimes though, we just have to let go. We have to realize that who we thought someone was, isn't necessarily who they are. And, again, we can't necessarily fault them for that. Once we realize this, it's a new kind of pain. The pain in letting that person go, of knowing we want things that we will never have and that we can't make someone into this idea we have created of them.

10 songs I am currently listening to on repeat. . .

2011-01-09T23:35:00.005-05:00

1.) Invented - Jimmy Eat World
2.) The Ballad of Love and Hate - The Avett Brothers
3.) Lucky - Bif Naked
4.) Hook - Blues Traveler
5.) Running Up That Hill - Placebo
6.) A Falling Through - Ray LaMontagne
7.) Set Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol
8.) Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie (this song will never get old for me)
9.) Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
10.) At the Bottom - Brand New

Any recommendations?

Edited to add: BEST email I got in response to this blog entry:
"Your last blog post was, like a naked woman covered in ice cream." Hahaha, I love you, Casey!

Sexual Solitaire

2011-01-04T17:55:00.001-05:00

The Great Female Weight Debate

My coffee cabinet. . .

2011-01-03T20:51:00.003-05:00

Ever wonder what Starbucks does with all that left over Christmas Blend once the holidays are over?

There's over $200 worth of coffee in there.

I'm going to fill my bathtub up with all the beans and roll around in them naked.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T14:43:00.010-05:00

Happy 2011 everyone! I hope you all had as drunken, safe a New Year's as me. I'd now like to share my New Year's resolutions with you, based on the photos I took of this year's celebration:

End the night in the same way I started the night: with a touch of class. Or at least, a semblence of sobriety.

Spend fewer hours a day daydreaming about doing naughty things to Christian Bale.

Get a promotional deal with Kamchatka Vodka. Seriously guys, look at this promotional poster I have made for you! After that totally professional infomercial I made for you a few weeks ago.

There really is no resolution behind this picture, but can someone say 2011 Christmas Card?

Stop forcing Lance to take these horribly unattractive photos of ourselves and then posting them on the internet. . .oh wait. Already failed at this resolution.

Next New Year, kiss a dude.

P.S. Don't act like you didn't enjoy that, Kara.

See what other types of wacky shenanigans I can get into with my friends.

My REAL resolution is to finish the book I've been working on for a couple months now. Maybe one day you will see my name on a book in the discount bin at Wal-Mart!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T09:48:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Check out my new article over at Points in Case. I'll now be writing a weekly column there called Sexual Solitaire. I hope you have yourself a very merry Garmany Christmas!

Goes down smooth. . .

2010-12-19T16:36:00.004-05:00

Check out my new video, Lauren & Ashley Make an Infomerical.

Here's some outtakes:

Shameless Self-Promotion

2010-12-15T00:13:00.001-05:00

Check out my new article up at Points in Case: White People Problems. Because hey, white people have problems too.

It was a mustache kind of weekend.

2010-12-12T19:27:00.004-05:00

Boobstache.

Lance always makes us take a cute one.

The Starbucks Christmas Order

2010-12-10T20:38:00.002-05:00

Somewhere in there is 300 lbs. of Christmas Blend.

I haven't seen that many boxes since that season two finale party I went to for The L Word.

YouTube, I Tube

2010-12-06T18:23:00.004-05:00

I've started a channel on YouTube. Here's a little preview, from my weekend. My friend Matt recalls an incident from Starbucks.

YouTube

A Charlie Brown Christmas

2010-12-02T18:33:00.003-05:00

I put up the old Christmas tree today.

I actually do have a little 4ft. tree that I've put up in previous years, but the thought of putting it up all alone in my apartment seemed really depressing to me.

Yet for some reason, I don't find it depressing that I sit on my couch and read Lauren Conrad's highly insightful literature, such as L.A. Candy or Sweet Little Lies all by myself, while sipping a glass of wine.

Green Apron

2010-11-29T22:30:00.007-05:00

At work we have these things called Green Apron Cards. These are little cards you can give to each other to show your appreciation. We rarely, if ever, use these for their actual purpose. This is the card I found in my Green Apron box yesterday:

In hindsight, maybe I should've refrained from writing this on my co-worker Matt's Green Apron card that someone else wrote him, with a picture of a dog accompained by a word bubble that said, "Ruff."

Happy Friendsgiving!

2010-11-29T22:06:00.015-05:00

This past weekend my friends and I celebrated Friendsgiving. Friendsgiving is my favorite holiday because it combines all of my favorite things: friends, food and booze.

There's nothing better than hanging out with a group of people you love and have so much fun with. Thank you to all of my friends for such an amazing night.

I slaved over a can opener for a good five minutes making the cranberry sauce.

We originally had planned on deep frying a turkey, but apparently it takes longer than a day for a turkey to thaw out. Lesson learned.

Instead, we bought a honeybaked ham. Here, Alex hams it up for the camera. Hahaha, see what I did there? Get it, ham! No? Not so much?

Dinner was followed by a food coma on the couch.

Which was followed by a night cap. . .or twelve.

Oh, I should also mention that this was the same day that I got my life-size cardboard cut-out of Taylor Lautner. Did you know that if you pre-order a copy of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse at FYE, you can get one of these babies for $9.99? Is that a deal or is that a deal?

My boobs and I wish you all a Happy Friendsgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-28T09:04:00.002-05:00

I had to work open to close at Starbucks on Thanksgiving, but nevertheless, I didn't let that stop me from having some fun.

Give a man a cranberry orange scone and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to open the freezer up in the back and open up a pre-wrapped package of cranberry orange scones and he'll eat for a year.

How an innocent text conversation can go completely awry. . .

2010-11-23T16:27:00.003-05:00

ME: Hey dude, you want me to pick you up around 7:15 tonight?

LAUREN: 7:15 is good for me!

ME: You want me to bring you your americano or your tea?

LAUREN: Tea, please! Refresh ("After douching--Rephresh. . .After intimacy--Rephresh.")

ME: It might be snowing outside but it's always Summer's Eve in my tater tot.

LAUREN: Yeah, I called it my Twitter long before the social-networking site.

ME: I called it my facebook long before facebook. Zuckerberg owes me some residuals.

2010-11-22T07:59:00.001-05:00

I hope I don't get fired for this.

Awkward Starbucks Moment #22

2010-11-21T22:11:00.004-05:00

CUSTOMER: These polar bear cookies look like they have the symbol for Pi on them.

ME: Really? To me it looks like someone slit its throat and it's bleeding to death.

CUSTOMER: Um. . .yeah.

Thanks a latte!

2010-11-17T20:43:00.009-05:00

The Starbucks where I work is the busiest store in the Cincinnati/Dayton and Louisville/Lexington area. We're right across the street from the city's busiest mall and also located directly off a major highway.

There are roughly 8 parking spaces total in our lot, in order to get out of the lot you have to go back to where you came in and there's a phone store directly next to us.

It use to be Verizon (that's an old photo), but back towards the beginning of the year, Verizon moved to a bigger store down the street. There were a few blissful months when we were the only store there and the parking lot situation wasn't such a nightmare. About two months ago, however, we noticed that they were putting something in. Can you guess what it was? An AT&T.

Seriously, if another iPhone comes out, I'm not going into work.

Side story: My car got hit in the parking lot a couple months ago and right after the cop took the police report and was driving off, there was another car accident. Which led to the drive-thru being blocked. And since there is no direct exit:

Hey look! Lets put a parking spot here instead of an exit!

It was a hot mess of a situation.

Anyway, because we are so busy, there is literally about a collective 10 minutes everyday when there are no customers at the front register and no customers in the drive-thru. This is how those collective 10 minutes were spent today:

"This drive-thru ain't big enough for the both of us."

Sometimes I also like to make a whipped cream bikini, but I had just cleaned my apron that morning and didn't want to mess it up.

We have an abundance of red aprons because of the holidays, so I used this opportunity to develop my own superhero, Latte Girl.

This was one of those times when someone asked, "Are you high?"

One of my favorite things to do is to sneak up behind people and credit card swipe them.

Denied. Denied. Approved!

My other favorite thing to do is to write "Would you rathers. . ." on the tip jars.

Would you rather. . .lose the ability to taste or have Britney Spears as your mom? The other one says something about would you rather be trapped on an iceberg in the Arctic Circle or be a siamese twin attached to Miley Cyrus.

The days usually end with one or more of us in the backroom, lying in the fetal position under the desk.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

2010-11-13T10:22:00.009-05:00

One of the things I dread most in life is getting recognized. Not necessarily from anything I've written (although I was once recognized from a poem I wrote for CollegeHumor entitled, 'Ode to My Vibrator'. . .which was really awkward), but just from other things.

I've been going to the same gym for a little over a year now and I see a lot of the same people in there everyday; however, I do not feel the need to talk to any of these people. Now that Lance and Lauren have moved to another town, I don't really "know" anyone at my gym. And I'm okay with that. I hate it when people approach me in the middle of a workout. First off, I sweat a ridiculous amount so I look like a just bathed in a tub of my own filth. Which also means I probably smell. And I really just want to focus on getting through my workout without someone coming up to me and asking me for my number or workout tips or what have you. I mean, I won't be a bitch to someone if they do approach me, but for the most part I try to avoid this at all costs. I don't make eye contact with people, I have my iPod on really loud. I try not to encouarge anyone to come up to me, yet inevitably someone does for one reason or another and I find myself getting irritated. Not so much if it is another female asking for advice on something (some lady asked me to help her tighten up her butt), but if a guy comes up and asks a random question that is an obvious attempt to just talk to me (I'm not saying I'm even worth talking to, but I have a vagina which is most guys' only requirement).

Anyway, the town where I live is actually a pretty small town and since I go to my city's recreation center, I see a lot of other people who live here. I'll go to the grocery store and have random people come up to me and start talking to me, because they recognize me from the rec center. I don't work at the Starbucks that is in my town, but I work at one that is close enough that I'll sometimes see people I know from the rec center. I get recognized from just going to that gym so much, it's actually really weird considering how small of a town this is. I was at a bar in downtown Cincinnati once and I had two different people come up to me and say they recognized me from the gym.

So I was at work a few weeks ago and this guy came in that works out at my gym. I knew who he was right away, but I was hoping he wouldn't recognize me. He did, of course, and he started talking to me. So now every time I see him at the gym and when he comes into my Starbucks, I am forced into an awkward conversation. This other guy came through the drive-thru once and asked me if I ran a lot around the area, he said he worked at an auto-shop along Cooper Road. I wanted to reply with, "Oh you mean that car place I run passed everyday and all of the guys hang out outside and make lewd cat-calls to me as I go by?" But I didn't.

I also get recognized just from working at Starbucks. If I'm ever out somewhere and see a customer, I try to avoid them seeing me. It's awkward because, I don't know any of their names, I just know them by what they drink. So they'll come up to me and be like, "Hey Ashley! How are you? What are you up to?" and I'm like, "Oh hey Half-Caf, Venti 2 pump Raspberry, non-fat, 2 Splenda, extra hot, stirred light whip, 2 pump white mocha. I'm great, how are you?" And they're ALWAYS like, "It's so weird seeing you! Too bad you can't make me my latte, haahahaha." And I'm like, "Yeah, isn't it weird that I'm an actual human being and I do exist outside of your Starbucks visit everyday? And I'm only nice to you then because I have to be and I want your tip money, when really I think you're a huge bitch who puts WAY too much thought into what they drink everyday and you yell at me anytime there's even the smallest amount of foam on your drink?"

My top two moments of getting recognized are from working at Starbucks. The first is when I was at a bar and this drunk guy came up to me yelling, "Hey Starbucks Girl!" He would come up to me randomly for the rest of the night like, "Hey Starbucks Girl, I'll take a vanilla latte! Hahahaha!" But my favorite moment from that encounter was when he came up to me and was like, "Hey Starbucks Girl, I think you looked a lot better when you had blonde hair." Oh, okay, thanks! Because your opinion means SO much to me. Like, why would you think that it is okay to say something like that to someone you don't really know, you just think you know them because they make your coffee every morning.

My next favorite moment was from Halloween 2008. I had gotten off work in the evening and went straight to my friend's apartment to get ready to go out for the night. Since I was too lazy to come up with a costume beforehand, I just decided I was going to go as a Starbucks employee. But because all of my friends were doing the typical "slutty" costume, I thought it'd be funny to go as a slutty Starbucks employee.

How'd you like me to clean your steam wand?

Anyway, we went to this bar downtown and this guy came up to me and was like, "Hey, do you really work at Starbucks?" Yes, I do. "I'm pretty sure you made my latte like, three hours ago." Yeah, no big deal. I don't ever actually take the apron off, I just alter it depending on which setting I'm in.

This entry probably makes me sound like an unapproachable bitch. I am. Kidding. I'm not opposed to people coming up to me, I just hate awkward conversations.

2010-11-10T19:29:00.003-05:00

Today I played a game called: How Many Clothes Can I Get Into a Single Load of Laundry, Because I'm So Poor?

Mission accomplished.

Please ignore the many pairs of underwear that are visible.

Via? Viyeah!

2010-11-09T11:48:00.003-05:00

So my Starbucks district had a competition to see which store could sell the most Via, Starbucks' answer to instant coffee. Naturally, my store won because we're awesome and also because I offered free handjobs to anyone that bought Via. Just kidding. I charged an additional $2.

For winning, we got this trophy with our store name and number engraved on it. Additionally, my store manager let all of the partners (this is what Starbucks calls their employees) at my store take the trophy home with them for a day and have a "date" with the it. We had our own contest to see who could have the best picture of their "date" with the trophy.

So after a few too many alcoholic beverages, this is what Lauren and I came up with:

I tied for first with my friend Alex, who took a family-style portrait with her cats and the trophy. To which I say: well played, madam. Well played.

Lauren and I also planned what my holiday cards are going to look like this year. Just pray that you are fortunate enough to be on the list of people I send cards to this year, it's gonna be pretty epic.

I won the lottery.

2010-11-05T20:14:00.001-04:00

Look at that! $10! I know what most of you are probably thinking, but don't worry. Now that I've won, I'm not going to change. I will still be the same old Ashley Garmany.

And before anyone even thinks about asking, no, I will not lend you any money.

The Real Me

2010-11-04T20:33:00.003-04:00

Someone told me the other day that it seemed like I partied a lot. I don't. Trust me. For every one night I go out, there's six where I'm sitting on my couch in my underwear watching Reba reruns on Lifetime. I also get asked a lot if I'm high. Mostly because I laugh a lot, usually at my own jokes. But also because yes, usually I am high. I'm kidding. I'm only high some of the time. I was also once told that I'm apathetic; I can understand this, as I'm not an overly-emotional person. I remember my sophomore year of college, at the end of the year, I was leaving and saying goodbye to all of my friends, who were crying. My friend Megan had always said how the only time she ever saw me get emotional was if I had been drinking (she used to get me drunk just so I'd open up about myself), so as I was getting in my car to leave she lovingly said, "Even though you're not crying right now, because there's a black empty void in your chest where your heart should be, I know that you are sad."

I recently went out to lunch with my friend Kara and it sort of forced me to really think how much I've changed, just in the last 5 years. We went out to lunch before our epic Costco trip and she poured her heart out to me over our meal. She had originally wrote me a message after my blog entry on my high school experience and it touched me very deeply. Her openness and honesty was so courageous and amazing to me, I couldn't believe that she was trusting me with her own struggles. The fact that I had somehow touched something in her for her to come to me and tell me all of her secrets, I can't express how moved I was and still am when I think about it. It made me realize that, I don't have to be ashamed about my past because I am not alone. There are so many other people out there who are or have gone through similar experiences and the only way to truly make a difference to those people is to be open and honest. If I could inspire her to come to me like that, then I know I made at least one difference in the world.

When I was younger, I was a pretty emotional person. I would hold grudges and fight and yell and blow up over everything. I had a horrible temper. Just ask my siblings. I couldn't control my rage, it was pretty bad. Then, about the time I turned 15, it was like a switch was flipped and I became the complete opposite. I couldn't express feelings at all. I couldn't cry, I couldn't yell, I couldn't feel. A lot of this had to do with my depression and the loneliness of it, I felt very isolated and withdrew from even my own feelings. I didn't realize how much I had withdrawn until years later, when I was 20 and still unable to feel pretty much anything. I was going through rehab at the time (see early 2006 entries for my rehab experience) and I began to see that I was using my eating disorder as a way to further shield myself from having to feel my feelings.

My eating disorder started in high school, around the end of my senior year and further escalated into my early 20s. Prior to my ED (short for "eating disorder"), I had used other methods in attempt to "feel my feelings", as my therapist would say. Namely what is called "self-harm" or "cutting". I got to a point where I felt so numb and emotionless that I just wanted to feel something, even if that something was pain. To me, feeling SOMETHING was better than feeling NOTHING. I realize people joke about cutting a lot and how stupid it is, but until you are in that state of mind where you are desperate enough to do it, you cannot judge someone. Needless to say, I wore long sleeves a lot and I still have scars on my arms. My cutting culminated with me, revealing my cuts to my dad and him attempting to put me into a psych. ward. At the time, I was pissed. But looking back on it, I realize he was just as scared and unsure of what to do as I was.

I think the eating disorder came about as a way to hurt myself in a different way, one that wasn't as scary to see. You would be surprised at how easily people will help feed into your eating disorder, unknowingly. You would also be surprised at how people who are suppose to be your friends and recognize that something is clearly wrong and will instead turn against you. Like I said though, this is all in the past and I have made my amends with these people; however at the time it only further fed my disorder, making it easier and easier for me to use it as a crutch.

Anyway, while I was in rehab I was forced to really look at why I was the way I was. I grew up in a household where my stepfather would beat my mother, abuse my sisters and I and constantly berate us for everything. If the floor wasn't vacuumed correctly, if there was water droplets left on the sink, everyday was a constant fear of "what did I do wrong now?" When I was 11, my mother got really sick. Sick enough to the point that we spent Easter that year in the ICU at the hospital, saying our goodbyes because they didn't think she was going to live through the night. Somehow, though, she pulled through and survived but she continued to be very, very ill up until her death when I was 14. I spent the next 3 years taking care of my mother, who spent most of her time in bed. Giving her the medicine through a tube that was in her stomach, helping her to the bathroom, staying up with her at night to make sure she didn't do crazy things because of the medicine she was taking. My stepfather and I took turns giving her all her medicine: he did it in the morning, I did it in the afternoons and we'd alternate evenings. We'd change the feeding bag she used, because she couldn't eat anymore.

I'm not going to lie, there were days that I was selfish and mad that I had to do all of this when I would've much rather have been out doing things that people my age were doing. I was resentful of my siblings for leaving me alone in that house, with my stepdad. I lost a lot of friends during this time because most of my time was spent taking care of my mom or hanging out with her, because I didn't want to leave her alone with my stepfather, who was either drunk and yelling or drunk and passed out on the couch.

Somewhere in these 3 years, I began to withdraw more and more. The first time I cut myself, I was 12. I had done something that had made my stepfather mad and he took it out on my mom, who then came into my room and yelled at me, saying how everything was my fault. I realize that she was obviously upset and didn't mean it, but I was 12 and pretty impressionable at the time. It was a slow downward spiral from there and when my mom died 2 years later, I was left with a feeling of abandonment. Because I felt like she had chose death over a life with me.

I look back on all of this and I wish I could tell that girl that everything would be okay one day. And I held onto my sadness and resentfulnes for so long and it did nothing but eat away at me and come out in other forms, that were clearly unhealthy. As I sat across from my friend Kara last week, and I told her all of this, it finally clicked in me that I don't have to be embarrassed by all of this. Yeah, it's not exactly the ideal way to grow up and yeah, cutting yourself or depriving yourself of food is not a way to deal with pain, but it was how I dealt with it and I can't be ashamed of who all of this has made me. I'm not "apathetic", I just realize that most things in life aren't worth getting worked up over because it can always get worse. And while I'm not particularly emotional about even things that are joyous, I do appreciate these moments that much more because I know how valuable they really are. I'm not laid back because I don't care, I'm laid back because I understand that life is way too fucking short. Just enjoy it. I can't get upset over work. . .it's just coffee. I can't get upset if a friend yells at me. . .more often than not, it has nothing to do with me and they are actually asking for help in maybe not the most effective way.

Your family and your friends are really all that matter in life. Money, fame, etc. They're not important. They're nothing. They're not going to hold your hand when you cry and they're not going to make you happy.

Kara and Lauren and Lance. I know you are reading this and I wanted to say thank you for being so open with me. You are amazing human beings and you helped me in a way that I cannot even begin to explain. You have all sat there and listened and you accepted everything I told you without judgment. I only hope to be 1/10th of that type of friend, sister, mother, wife, whatever to everyone in my life. Thank you.

. . .too soon?

2010-10-31T11:15:00.002-04:00

Since Jersey Shore was apparently the most popular Halloween costume this year, Lance, Lauren and I decided to go a different route:

Nancy Kerrigan, Tanya Harding and the guy that she hired to club Kerrigan in the knee.

I actually just wanted an excuse to lie on the ground at the bar, clutch my knee and yell, "WHY? WHY?" without being judged.

If I got to choose where I would die, it would be in a Costco.

2010-10-25T17:56:00.004-04:00

My first trip to Costco was a success. I purchased a 36-pack of toilet paper, or 425 sheets per roll, for $20! According to my calculations (and by "calculations" I mean, I took the total radius of all 36 rolls, divided it by pi, input that data into the quadratic formula, used the perimeter equation to figure out the circumference and subtracted that by 3. Or I used the calculator on my computer and multiplied 36 by 425), that's 15,300 sheets of cushiony goodness for my bum.

My friends are taking bets on how long it takes me to use it all. I've decided that I'm going to give a monthly progress report as I work my way through this massive quantity of toilet paper. Feel free to add your input, but remember that 1.) I live alone and 2.) I pee a lot. Like, a lot. My co-workers refer to the bathroom at work as my office, I'm in there so much.

Look at all that glorious TP and for only $20. I can't get over it. This just might be better than that time I found an 80-pack of tampons at Kroger for $4.99. Sure they were generic brand, but it's all the same when you're using it as a plug for your vagina. (Yeah, that was gross.)

Also, note my desk in the background where I do all my writing. Or, as I call it, the place where the magic happens. Because it sure as hell isn't happening in my bedroom.

Hello singledom, my old friend.

2010-10-23T18:15:00.014-04:00

Now that I'm single again (hey, 2 1/2 months is a record for me), I've been asking myself a lot of questions:

Does this dress make my butt look big?

How much longer do I need to grow out my hair before I can accurately re-create the Alanis Morisette Thank You video?

Why does this drink taste like it was stirred with a penis?

Is it true that guys really do just love me for my brain?

I actually get asked the question a lot: why are you single? I always find it funny because I never ask, why are you married? (I also get, I didn't know you were left-handed! Which I also find odd, as I never comment on other people's handedness.) Like I've said before, I'm pretty picky. Also, I'm 25. I'm at an age when I know what I'm looking for; as cliche as it sounds, I'm looking for the one. I have no desire to date "for fun" nor do I think you should stay with someone if you don't feel like it's right.

I'll find the one eventually, but in the meantime, I'm having a pretty good time.

2010-10-22T11:25:00.000-04:00

My brother is the guy in the background of this picture.

That is awesome.

College Memory #76

2010-10-20T11:52:00.003-04:00

I was looking through some old pictures today and I stumbled upon this gem. I happened upon this scene one day when I entered my housemate's bathroom: a pregnancy test and a metal coat hanger.

She swears the two items are completely unrelated.

2010-10-19T12:30:00.001-04:00

Lauren discovers Twlight. And curses my name the whole time.

What Crawled Up Your Skirt?